Disclaimer: Shonda thinks people who aren’t going to watch the show anymore has something to do with some sexist bs. Which proves the people that own the show are dumb and clearly not us.
Meredith had no idea why she had agreed to this but she was pretty sure it was a horribly bad idea. Kevin was Derek’s friend. She had admired the way Derek had decided that and stuck to it, even when really it would have been preferable to smother the guy with a pillow. But he had been Meredith’s patient and not exactly an easy one at that. He had been the type that Meredith would have been find never seeing again.
Fine, his life had changed forever in a horrible way, but Kevin McDermott had been an ass. The nurses had hated him, interns and residents bribed each other to take him, and even she had been tempted a few times to lift the ban on Derek treating him. He had been a huge ass and she really didn’t see how visiting him was going to make him any better. It wasn’t like they had really bonded. She got that he needed people. She knew that it was really important in recovering from this kind of thing. And she also knew that a lot of Kevin’s people had left him simply because of the chair and that his parents weren’t exactly great about it but she really didn’t think that meant she had to be friends with Kevin. Derek could take Mark or one of his sisters or something.
But Derek had insisted that she had to come. She didn’t understand it and she had no idea what her best friend was thinking. It was annoying but her attempt to get out of it had been met with Derek rolling his eyes. He wanted her there and she couldn’t exactly say she was too busy. They had had an early surgery and both had the afternoon off and he clearly knew it. She probably could have come up with something else but Lexie was at work and she didn’t really know what other excuse she could use that wasn’t something she could easily put off to another time. So she was stuck.
So she was sitting next to her best friend as they drove an hour outside of Manhattan so they could visit an old patient of hers. It was completely insane and she honestly didn’t know what to say. She just knew this was going to be a weird situation and Derek being quiet wasn’t helping. Derek was never quiet, ever. It was the biggest thing she had had to adjust to in the last few months. Besides when they were watching movies, he was always talking and chatting. And now she was used to it and she even liked it but right now he was really quiet and it wasn’t normal. He was only this quiet when something was wrong and nothing had been wrong in a while with him.
Derek was never quiet, ever. It was the biggest thing she had had to adjust to in the last few months. Besides when they were watching movies, he was always talking and chatting. And now she was used to it and she even liked it but right now he was really quiet and it wasn’t normal. He was only this quiet when something was wrong and nothing had been wrong in a while with him. He had been quiet the night before, too, when he had cooked her fettuccine alfredo and garlic bread and had let her pick the movie. He had laughed, he had listened, he had offered advice on her day, but he had just…zoned out a lot. And she wasn’t sure what it meant. If he was going through a bad time, he should tell her, but things had been so good for him that she hated the idea of him struggling again. It had been really good to see him happy again. She had always liked that guy when she saw him at conferences and she had liked working with him when he had first moved here. He was funny and being around him made her feel really good or something so it wasn’t good if he was sinking back into trauma or something.
She hadn’t wanted to bother him about it last night, but if she was going to spend the afternoon with him, she wanted that guy back. She could spend time with the traumatized Derek, and she could help him, but she wanted him to laugh and smile at her. She wanted his eyes to do the sparkly thing as the skin around them crinkled. “Hey,” she poked his arm.
“Oh hey,” he smiled at her.
“Where were you?”
“What?”
“Just now,” she shrugged. “You kind of…zoned.”
“Oh sorry, just a lot on my mind, I guess.”
“Hmmm…” She nodded. “Are you in the woods?”
“What?” he frowned.
“I…Cristina used to say that,” she sighed. “If I was in the woods…trees…no light or whatever.”
“Oh,” he breathed, reaching to squeeze her hand. “So…in a dark place.”
“Yeah, exactly,” she smiled at him.
“Not in the woods, just distracted. Sorry.”
“Distracted by what?”
“Oh just a surgery I have coming in next week,” he shook his head. “Complex spinal tumor.”
“Okay, see, you have the tumor whisperer sitting in the car with you right now.”
“Oh that goes for spinal tumors too?”
“Tumor whisperer, Derek. That means spinal tumors. Brain tumors. Hell, even when I was an intern, I could figure out tumors anywhere in the body. Tumor whisperer.”
“I should have known,” he laughed softly.
“So if you need help…”
“I was already considering bringing it to you.”
“Really?” she grinned.
“Yeah.”
“I can definitely clear my schedule for a complex spinal tumor,” she nodded as she reached into her purse for her phone. “What day is the patient coming in?”
“Oh umm…” he breathed.”Next Thursday.”
“Next Thursday…next Thursday…” she scrolled through her calendar app. “Okay, I have an office day but if I switch some appointments around…were you thinking you’d do the surgery the next day? Because then I’d have to move an interview with our first trial patient.”
“Oh…I think it depends a lot on what it looks like when it comes in and what we decide the best method is. It won’t be easy.”
“Email me the scans and I’ll take a look.”
“Will do,” he nodded.
“I can probably formulate a pretty good plan,” Meredith grinned as she entered it into her phone. “This will be good. I want Lexie in there. She has surprisingly steady hands.”
“Maybe you should be running the department,” he laughed.
“Didn’t I say that the day you came?” she raised an eyebrow.
“You did.”
“So if you’re ready to wave the truce…”
“And let you have my job?”
“You can have mine.”
“No,” he laughed.
“Well, I tried,” she giggled.
“You did and thanks in advance on the help on this,” he nodded.
“No problem,” she shrugged. “So is that what had you all quiet last night?”
“Yeah,” he breathed. “It’s…a big case, that’s all.”
“You’ve had bigger.”
“I know but still…you’ll get it when you see it.”
“Okay,” she nodded slowly. “You would tell me if you were in the woods, right?”
“Of course I would.”
“Because you were really quiet last night, Derek.”
“I was?”
“Yes, you were,” she sighed. “Do you even remember what we ended up watching?’
“I don’t…” he sighed “I was worried about my mom.”
“What? Why? Is she sick?”
“No, no but she came to see me because she was lonely.”
“Oh,” Meredith breathed. “That’s…why?”
“Being alone in the house, all her kids out living and being busy with our own lives and…she gets like that sometimes,” he sighed. “It passes but I worry.”
“That’s…that’s really sad,” she frowned. “Why didn’t you say something? We could have gone over and had dinner with her or something.”
“I had already offered and she made it clear she didn’t want that.”
“But that’s not…we could have surprised her. She shouldn’t feel lonely.”
“She doesn’t like surprises,” Derek sighed. “And I know, it kills me. Yesterday, she said something about dying alone and…”
“Oh, Derek, no,” she breathed as she squeezed his arm. “She won’t. She won’t die alone. She’s going to die when she’s like…a hundred years old and she’s going to be surrounded by her great-great grandkids.”
“That’s what I told her.”
“She’s not going to die alone. Did you call her today? Do you want me to call her? I can. I mean, I know I’m not her kid and she probably doesn’t want to talk about it with…but I can call her. I can call her right now.”
“You don’t have to,” he shook his head. “Maybe we’ll swing by after we visit Kevin.”
“You haven’t called her today?”
“I did earlier but she didn’t pick up, I assume she was in the garden.”
“Okay, maybe I should call…”
“You can if you want,” he smiled slightly.
“I can. I hate that she’s…” Meredith shook her head. “Your mom is amazing, Derek. She’s amazing and strong and she’s…I mean, do you know what my mom would have said about your mom?”
“That she was soft?”
“Yeah. That she was soft and weak. But she’s not. She’s…she’s not either of those things. She’s strong and she’s…she doesn’t deserve to feel lonely. I know your dad is dead and I know that has to be really hard for her, but she shouldn’t feel lonely.”
“I know,” he breathed.
“So maybe I should call her. Because feeling alone…that sucks.”
“Yeah, yeah it does,” he nodded.
“How far are we from the rehab center?”
“About fifteen minutes so it’s you have time for a quick call. But don’t tell her I told you, she’d hate that,” he sighed. “God, you are a lot alike.”
“We are?” she giggled.
“Would you be happy if I told my mom you were lonely?”
“I’d probably kill you.”
“Exactly like her.”
“Okay,” she laughed as she tapped her screen and held her phone to her ear. “I’ll just say I wanted to say hi.”
“Good,” he nodded.
“I won’t even say I’m with you,” she giggled as the phone rang.
“Okay,” he laughed.
“You’re welcome,” she nodded, listening to the phone ring. “Come on, Carolyn…”
“Hello?” Carolyn answered.
“Carolyn, hi,” Meredith greeted Derek’s mom. “I…it’s Meredith.”
“Meredith, it’s so good to hear from you,” Carolyn breathed. “I was just thinking that it had been too long since we had a chance to talk.”
“You said that yesterday,” Meredith nodded. “I’m actually fifteen minutes away from…something. But I just wanted to call.”
“Derek told you about the reason for my visit, didn’t he?”
“What? No! Never!”
“I know my son, sweetheart.”
“I haven’t even seen…I mean, you know that’s a…and I’m definitely not here with him right now.”
“Meredith.”
“You’re psychic and it’s kind of scary.”
“I know,” Carolyn laughed as Derek laughed beside her.
“Two Shepherds laughing at once is kind of weird,” Meredith rolled her eyes at her best friend. “Derek tried to call you earlier but you didn’t answer. He thought you were in your garden but I just wanted to make sure…”
“I was. I’m feeling…better today,” Carolyn sighed.
“Really?”
“Really. Not…entirely perfect but better overall.”
“Better is good,” Meredith murmured. “I just…you shouldn’t be sad. I know it’s hard because…but you shouldn’t be. Or lonely.”
“It happens sometimes, sweetheart,” Carolyn murmured. “I never planned on growing old alone.”
“I know but you’re not alone. You have your kids and the grandkids and…I mean, I know I’m not anyone special…’
“Everyone is someone special and you are certainly special to me.”
“Oh..I just…” Meredith took a deep breath. “The point is, you’re not alone. And you’re not going to die alone. You’re not even going to die anytime soon.”
“Thank you, Meredith.”
“I mean it, Carolyn.”
“I know you do,” Carolyn nodded. “And I know I have my wonderful family”
“So I just…I don’t want you to be lonely or…I know I call you sometimes,” Meredith glanced at Derek’s hand that rested on her knee. “I call you and we talk and I know sometimes I wake you up or…the point is, you can call me. I don’t know what it’s like or…but you can. And I won’t be sad. I won’t be sad if you talk about Mr. Shepherd.”
“Oh Meredith, I truly appreciate that,” Carolyn breathed.
“I didn’t know him and he wasn’t my dad or my brother-in-law or my husband or…he wasn’t…the point is, I can listen. Or I can try. If you want.”
“I will certainly keep that in mind next time I have a hard day.”
“Good. Because I don’t always sleep so…”
“Oh Meredith…”
“Don’t make this about me. You’re sad and I’m having a relatively good day even if your crazy son is dragging me to see a former patient who was kind of an asshole…”
“Meredith!” Derek groaned.
“It’s true!” Meredith insisted. “The point is, Carolyn, I’m having a pretty good day so we’re not going to make it about me and my dark place.”
“I am happy to hear that,” Carolyn laughed.
“You have a dark place and that’s okay. I mean, it’s probably a little weird for your family but…it’s okay. So you can call me and talk about Mr. Shepherd.”
“I really do appreciate that.”
“Okay. And you will call, right? You won’t just be sad while you bake me more fruit tarts?”
“I will call. And bake you more fruit tarts.”
“Good. Because I ate them all yesterday.”
“I’m happy to hear that.”
“They were amazing and I ate them all while Derek cooked dinner.”
“You ate them all before dinner?” she laughed.
“Except for two. I saved them for after.”
“And shared none with Derek?”
“Derek doesn’t like sweets.”
“He usually eats one.”
“Well…he didn’t,” Meredith shrugged. “Derek, tell your mom you didn’t want any fruit tarts.”
“But I did,” Derek frowned.
“Not helpful,” she groaned. “I’m visiting my former patient who was an asshole. The least you could do is tell your mom I didn’t steal sweets from her miracle baby.”
“Did you just admit I’m a miracle?” Derek asked.
“No, that’s what she calls you. Not me.”
“You repeated it.”
“The point is, Carolyn, if I get more fruit tarts, I’ll give Derek two,” Meredith rolled her eyes.
“I will make you some more,” Carolyn laughed. “For now, I’ll let you go.”
“Okay. And you’re sure you’re okay?”
“I am.”
“Okay. But Derek and I are going to come over.”
“Well I won’t argue with seeing you both.”
“Okay, good. Are you still in your garden?”
“I am.”
“Have a good day doing the…garden…thing.”
“I will, have a good time visiting Kevin,” Carolyn laughed softly. “And Meredith?”
“Yeah?”
“You shouldn’t feel alone either, you shouldn’t grow old alone.”
“Oh.”
“You’re special and deserve a life full of people that love you.”
“I…” Meredith shook her head. “We’re pulling up to the rehab.”
“Okay.”
“We’ll see you later.”
“See you in a bit.”
“Bye,” Meredith breathed as she tapped her screen to end the call. “She’s okay. She says she’s doing better, not perfect, but better. So that has to be a good thing. And she’s okay with us coming over, which is good.” She glanced up at her best friend, who was staring out the window, his hands gripping the steering wheel as he stared at the entrance of the rehab center. “Derek?”
“Hmmm?”
“Spinal tumor again? Or your mom? Because she’s okay.”
“Oh…sorry,” he shook his head. “I just…with so much on my mind I didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Okay, are you sure you’re not in the woods?”
“I’m sure,” he nodded. “I’d tell you, Mer.”
“You have to.”
“You know I always would,” he smiled slightly.
“Good. Because you not sleeping…”
“It wasn’t bad not sleeping. More…staying up too late looking over the case and then laying in bed obsessing over it not sleeping.”
“Okay,” she sighed. “Did you hear me about your mom?”
“Repeat it.”
“She’s better, not perfect, but better overall,” she nodded. “And she’s okay with us stopping by.”
“Okay, sounds good,” he smiled.
“Okay,” she nodded. “Are we going to park or…”
“Going to park,” he nodded.
“And you’re sure this is a good idea?”
“Yeah, of course I am.”
“Derek…”
“He needs friends and he likes you.”
“Since when?”
“Since always. I know he was an ass but that was…I swear he’s not as bad.”
“Last I checked, he hated me for putting him on suicide watch.”
“Well he’s off it now and doesn’t hate you.”
“You know I considered smothering him with a pillow, right?”
“So did I,” Derek laughed.
“Does he know that?” She asked as he parked.
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Well…okay.”
“If it doesn’t go well, we’ll never do it again,” he sighed. “Okay?”
“Fine.”
“Good.”
“Let’s do this,” she sighed as she got out of the care. It was a nice facility, a lot of space for patients to move around. And on a beautiful day like today, she had a feeling anyone who could be outside, would be.
“Just think…my mom will have fruit tarts for you when we’re done,” he smiled.
“Thank god. Those were amazing.”
“I’ll have to take your word for it.”
“I’ll let you have some tonight,” she laughed as they walked into the rehab center.
“Thank you,” he grinned.
“Dr. Shepherd!” The nurse at the visitor’s desk grinned.
“Hello Lisa,” Derek smiled. “Want to kill him yet?”
“I think we’re moving past that,” Lisa laughed.
“That’s excellent to hear.”
“I can’t speak for Kyle and Marlene but…he has a certain charm to him when he’s in a good mood.”
“An actual good mood?” Derek breathed.
“For the last couple days, it seems like it.”
“Wow.”
“We think he’s trying to get something but we’ll take a good mood,” Lisa laughed.
“That sounds like him,” Derek laughed.
“He was saying earlier you might be coming,” Lisa smiled up at him, some pink lipstick on her teeth. “So of course we’re very happy to see you.”
“Someone has to keep him out of trouble,” Derek nodded. “I actually brought his surgeon with me to say hi.”
“Meredith Grey,” Meredith held out her hand. “Is Mr. McDermott’s attending physician on duty?”
“He is,” Lisa nodded. “I can let him know you’d like to speak to him.”
“Good. I would also like to see his chart.”
“Mer…” Derek laughed softly.
“What?”
“Not here as his doctor.”
“Like you’ve never asked?”
“Okay…true.”
“So unless you have any knowledge about his lungs, Lisa…”
“I can get you his file,” Lisa nodded.
“Thank you.”
“Thanks, Lisa,” Derek nodded. “Is he in his room?”
“Outside actually,” Lisa shook her head. “He finished with OT about an hour ago.”
“Oh that’s great.”
“He refuses to come in, but it’s a beautiful day,” Lisa nodded as she handed Meredith a chart.
“He likes outside,” Derek nodded.
“Yes, he does.”
“We’ll go find him.”
“I’ll let you know if I still need to talk to his physician,” Meredith nodded.
“Of course,” Lisa nodded.
“Thanks,” Meredith smiled.
“Come on,” Derek smiled.
“She has a thing for you,” Meredith whispered as they walked away and she flipped through the chart.
“What?” Derek frowned.
“Lisa. She wants in your pants.”
“That’s ridiculous,” he sighed.
“Why?”
“Because she’s just being friendly.”
“Oh sure,” she nodded. “We’re all so happy to see you, Dr. Shepherd.”
“People say that to me all the time, Mer.”
“I bet they do,” she nodded. “Women?”
“I guess.”
“They want in your pants,” she shrugged. “Damn it.”
“What?” Derek frowned.
“His lung function is still low,” Meredith shook her head. “Weekly oxygen therapy, but still a noticeable shortness of breath.”
“Yeah I noticed that last time I was here.”
“I was hoping to see improvements. Have you spoken to the pulmonary therapist?”
“I’m not his surgeon.”
“Derek, you’re a surgeon.”
“I know but I come here as a friend.”
“But this is concerning.”
“And he’s in the best hands.”
“Derek…”
“And I may have brought you because I knew you’d push.”
“Oh really? Push who exactly?”
“For answers from the doctors as Kevin doesn’t tell me.”
“What have you asked him?” She asked.
“If they’re concerned about the breathing, he says they’re not,” Derek sighed.
“Derek, his last FVC and FEV1 results were sixty-one percent. If they’re not concerned, they’re idiots.”
“Which is why you can talk to them.”
“I know there was some scarring from the ARDS but I’m concerned about pulmonary fibrosis,” she sighed. “I’ll talk to them. And him.”
“Don’t talk to Kevin,” he shook his head.
“Why not?”
“Because I’m bringing you as a friend, not his doctor.”
“Derek, come on…”
“Mer, anything you need to hear from him the doctors will be able to tell you.”
“Fine,” she rolled her eyes.
“He has enough people poking at him, you don’t need to anymore.”
“I’ve never been friends with a patient before,” she shrugged as the walked down a worn path.
“I know.”
“And I’ve never been forced to be friends with a patient I actively considered Kevorkianing.”
“No one is forcing you and I swear, he’s a good guy.”
“It’s about time you actually made it back here!” A slightly breathless voice called from behind them.
“Well there you are,” Derek laughed. “Hiding from everyone?”
“I found a couple of back trails,” Kevin shrugged as he wheeled up to them. “Hell on the arms but better than a traffic jam.”
“Good for the arms,” Derek shrugged. “You’re looking less pathetic now.”
“You’re a shit liar.”
“What?”
“I look pretty damn pathetic,” Kevin waved a hand over his still legs.
“I said less pathetic.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Kevin coughed slightly. “You brought me a pretty girl though.”
“Don’t bother flirting, she already hates you.”
“That’s why I have to flirt,” Kevin shrugged. “Dr. Grey.”
“Mr McDermott,” Meredith breathed.
“Kevin.”
“Meredith.”
“Meredith,” he echoed. “You guys just stopping by or…there’s a spot up ahead. Visiting spot.”
“Definitely visiting,” Derek nodded.
“Okay,” Kevin smiled.
“Been too long.”
“Hey, that’s on you. I spend my days here with the sadists.”
“Yeah, yeah, I have lives to save.”
“Always your excuse,” Kevin rolled down the path. He seemed to struggle slightly, which Meredith guessed was normal, but he did look better. Still not good, but his color was returning and she could see definition in his arms.
“Sorry.”
“So since when do hotshot neurosurgeons make rehab calls?”
“You have to be a little more specific, there’s two of us…”
“I’m pretty sure he was talking about me, Derek,” Meredith laughed.
“Are you saying I’m not a hot shot neurosurgeon?”
“I’m saying you’re his friend who comes and visits him all the time. I was his surgeon and I show up carrying his chart.”
“True,” he nodded.
“So I’m pretty sure he was talking about me.”
“Fine.”
“And, Kevin, Derek dragged me,” she admitted as Kevin rolled up to a spot where there was a small picnic table with chairs. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m doing okay, bit better than when I last saw you.”
“Your chart says your breathing is still a problem.”
“Yeah, it’s still not great.”
“I kind of feel like that’s an understatement,” Meredith frowned as he rubbed his chest slightly before locking his wheelchair.
“Doc says it’s okay.”
“So your doctor is an idiot or you’re lying to me.”
“Meredith…” Derek sighed.
“What?” she shrugged. “He opened the door.”
“And I didn’t bring you here to give him a check up.”
“He opened the door!” she insisted.
“Okay, fine.”
“I did but I’m wishing I didn’t,” Kevin groaned.
“See?” Derek sighed. “Talk to the doctors after.”
“I’m allowed to be concerned,” Meredith stated. “Especially when three different doctors write that you would be improving at a faster rate of you did more than just what was asked of you.”
“Okay, she has a point there,” Derek nodded.
“I thought you were coming to visit,” Kevin frowned.
“I am coming to visit, I’m just saying…she has a point,” Derek sighed. “But we’re not lecturing you.”
“Speak for yourself,” Meredith shrugged. “Kevin, they haven’t noted that they suspect pulmonary fibrosis, which is good. But it means you have to work harder.”
“Meredith…” Derek breathed.
“What?”
“Not his doctor.”
“I think I’ll go back to my room,” Kevin sighed.
“We’re dropping it.”
“Derek…” Meredith sighed.
“We are.”
“I just…” Meredith sighed as she turned to Kevin. He was slouched now, bent forward slightly in his chair and she chewed on her lip. “Fine.”
“We’re working on it gently,” Derek murmured to her.
“Doesn’t seem like it,” she mumbled back.
“We’ll talk later.”
“Fine.”
“Good.”
“Yeah,” she sighed as she closed the chart and tossed it onto the picnic table.
“This is a nice spot,” Derek smiled.
“Yeah,” Kevin shrugged. “Some of the guys bring their wives out here so they can pretend shit is normal.”
“Makes sense.”
“Yeah, mostly it’s depressing as hell.”
“Kevin…”
“What?”
“It’s good to have a bit of normalcy.”
“But it’s bullshit. The wife is trying but you can tell she’s wondering how the fuck she ended up here.”
“That’s probably true in some cases but not all of them.”
“Yeah,” Kevin sighed.
“Hey, I heard something about a good mood,” Derek frowned.
“Yeah, I wasn’t feeling too bad earlier,” Kevin shrugged as he glanced at the chart on the picnic table.
“Lisa called you charming.”
“She did?”
“She did.”
“Then maybe my plan is working.”
“Your plan?”
“I want to get out of here,” Kevin nodded.
“So you’re charming the nurses?”
“That’s the first step. I’m just talking a field trip. Down to the grocery store. The doctors say I’m not ready but that’s bullshit.”
“Kevin…”
“One field trip.”
“That isn’t going to end well.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re breathing still isn’t great and you have no idea how to get around downtown by yourself.”
“It’s a couple hours. I go to the store, get some ice cream, then head down to the bookstore. How hard can it be?”
“That sounds like a lot.”
“I’ve got it,” Kevin shrugged.
“You know…you could just work your ass off and they’d clear you for it soon anyway,” Meredith pointed out.
“Not soon enough,” He shook his head. “Doc said a month.”
“So prove them wrong,” Meredith shrugged.
“You don’t even know my plan.”
“What’s your plan?” Derek sighed.
“Phase one: the nurses. Everyone knows they report to the doctors and the doctors listen to them,” Kevin shrugged. “Lisa likes me, she’s more likely to encourage the doc to give me a break.”
“Of course,” Derek sighed.
“And she’s Marlene’s sister’s husband’s second cousin.”
“What?”
“My occupational therapist. They’re semi related.”
“Okay…”
“So Lisa will tell Marlene how great I’ve been and how I deserve a break.”
“And…all of this is easier than working hard?”
“It’s really a terrible plan,” Meredith laughed.
“How is it terrible?” Kevin frowned.
“Because nurses aren’t idiots.”
“I didn’t say they were.”
“Lisa may like you, but she’s a good nurse and she’ll see you’re not ready,” Meredith shrugged. “Actually, if she likes you more, she’ll keep a better eye on you and notice when you’re not doing well.”
“What?”
“She won’t want you to get sick if she likes you. I mean, if any of the nurses who had worked with you at the hospital had had a choice, they would have lied and said you were walking again to get you out of their hair.”
“Really?” Kevin frowned.
“Yes, really.”
“Oh.”
“So Lisa will want to help you more,” Meredith shrugged. “Which she should.”
“She should?”
“She’s a nurse. What do you think her job is?”
“I don’t want people poking all over me anymore.”
“Then stop giving them a reason to,” Meredith shrugged. “Want to hear my plan to get you to the grocery store?”
“What?” Kevin frowned.
“Stop putting the thing before the horse,” she shrugged. “Or the horse before…the point is, if you work as hard as you worked when you were training to climb freakin Everest, then they’ll let you go to the Empire State Building if you want.”
“It’s not the same…”
“Only because you’re paralyzed. You refuse to work out some days, Kevin. What would pre-injury you say?”
“Pre-injury me would hate this guy.”
“So…I mean…” Meredith chewed on her lip as she watched him shift slightly in his chair. “Bad things happen. Really bad things sometimes. And it…I get it. I get that it’s easier to want to just…die. I get it. Sometimes you just want to think you’ll wake up and a roof never collapsed or…the point is, you don’t get to die. And you don’t get to be some really weird half-assed version of yourself.”
“I’m not trying to be…”
“Yeah, you are.”
“Oh.”
“If you want to go to the grocery store then work out, don’t snap at Marlene, and be the badass guy who was going to climb Everest.”
“But I’m not that guy anymore.”
“He must be buried somewhere in there,” she sighed. “You know…some people are even more badass after something bad happens. I know…the worst thing in the world happens to them and they don’t just die. They become badasses who do amazing things even when it hurts so bad they think they’ll die alone.”
“Meredith…”
“Or you just decide to live like this forever,” she shrugged. “Trying to make nurses pity you enough that you get to go to a bookstore for a couple of hours.”
“Oh.”
“It’s up to you.”
“She has a point,” Derek shrugged.
“You guys are the worst visitors,” Kevin sighed.
“Well maybe if you weren’t always so miserable,” Derek shrugged.
“I was in a pretty good mood an hour ago.”
“What happened?”
“He’s going to say us,” Meredith pointed out.
“True,” Derek nodded.
“Yeah…well…” Kevin shrugged.
“We’re just worried about you,” Derek shrugged.
“I get it,” Kevin nodded.
“You do?”
“Yeah. It’s better than my mom telling me I’m living with her forever,” Kevin rubbed his jaw.
“That will only happen if you let it,” Meredith shrugged.
“You don’t know my mom.”
“Kevin, you’re a grown man, she can’t make you live with her.”
“Here’s a plan,” Derek smirked.
“I don’t know if I want your plan,” Kevin frowned.
“Oh this one you do,” Derek leaned forward. “You work hard. You work your ass off. When they let you out by yourself for a few hours at a time, you go into the city and find an apartment. ”
“And?”
“And when your mom tries to drag you home, you tell her you have a place,” Meredith said, grinning at Derek. “I like it.”
“That…could actually work,” Kevin nodded slowly.
“But you’d have to work your ass off,” Meredith warned.
“Or they’ll make you live with your mom,” Derek nodded.
“Is that a real threat?” Kevin raised an eyebrow.
“It’s just the honest truth.”
“They won’t let you live alone if they think you can’t,” Meredith pointed out.
“And then you’ll options be a home for handicapped people or…your mom. We’ll still come visit,” Derek nodded.
“Your amount of freedom will just be really low though.”
“It will,” Derek sighed.
“You two should go on the road,” Kevin rolled his eyes.
“But then who would have saved your sorry ass?” Derek laughed.
“Pretty sure you had nothing to do with it,” Kevin snorted.
“I was there.”
“Yeah, and you were a mess. You could have killed me.”
“But we didn’t.”
“Speaks to Meredith’s talent.”
“I can’t deny that,” Derek shook his head.
“Thanks,” Meredith giggled.
“Our point is…the only way you’re getting any kind of life back is to work your ass off,” Derek sighed. “And you don’t strike me as someone that shies away from hard work.”
“You were training to climb Everest,” Meredith pointed out. “That had to suck.”
“Yeah,” Kevin nodded.
“So…” She shrugged.
“This feels harder,” Kevin sighed.
“I know,” Meredith sighed. “I know.”
“Harder doesn’t mean impossible,” Derek nodded. “A while ago you thought getting into bed was impossible, now you’re wheeling yourself out here.”
“Yeah, well…being stuck inside sucks.”
“Still…you can do it.”
“You can,” Meredith agreed.
“Imagine if you really pushed,” Derek smiled.
“You could be out of here faster,” Meredith smiled. “At the grocery store in two weeks.”
“Fishing with Mark and me in no time,” Derek nodded.
“He means drinking,” Meredith groaned.
“Last time we went we may have gotten a little drunk and Mer’s still annoyed,” Derek laughed.
“Wrestling, Derek. And asking for strippers.”
“Mark wanted the strippers, not me,” Derek protested.
“Huh huh.”
“It was.”
“Sure. You didn’t sound hopeful at all when you asked if I had ordered strippers.”
“Okay, I didn’t say I wouldn’t take them but…it wasn’t my idea.”
“Whose idea was the wrestling?”
“I don’t see how that’s relevant.”
“It is.”
“It’s not.”
“You two…” Kevin groaned.
“Sorry,” Derek laughed.
“It’s annoying as hell.”
“Sorry. When we’re around other people its usually just Mark and Lexie and they’re all over each other all the time.”
“We have to entertain ourselves,” Meredith nodded.
“The point is…you need to get out of here so we can go fishing,” Derek nodded.
“I…I was looking at one of those all terrain chairs,” Kevin admitted.
“Really?” Derek smiled.
“Yeah,” he shrugged. “I like being outside but these chairs aren’t cut out for being off a path.”
“And what’s the fun in staying on path?”
“Exactly. And hell…I read a couple of those articles you sent.”
“You did?”
“Sometimes I can’t sleep.”
“We both know what that’s like,” Meredith sighed. “Not that…not that I wasn’t sleeping when I operated on you.”
“Okay, is it a miracle I’m alive?” Kevin frowned.
“No, you were fine.”
“I don’t know if I believe that,” Kevin rubbed his chest as he coughed.
“We’re two of the best in the world, Kevin,” Derek sighed.
“And you were traumatized and not sleeping.”
“Which still leaves us better than most.”
“That’s true,” Meredith giggled.
“So you were in good hands,” Derek nodded.
“Good to know.”
“You clearly didn’t die.”
“Clearly,” Kevin laughed.
“So no complaints.”
“Yeah, yeah, no complaints here,” Kevin nodded.
“Good.”
“So are you two done lecturing me now?”
“We are,” Derek nodded.
“As long as the next time I come this chart says you’re blowing people away,” Meredith agreed.
“We’ll see,” Kevin nodded.
“You’re kind of stubborn.”
“Yeah, well I try.”
“Great,” Meredith rolled her eyes.
“But…it’s good that you’re looking into all terrain chairs,” Derek smiled. “We can get you hiking.”
“I do miss hiking,” Kevin nodded. “Wheeling off path here isn’t the same.”
“Work your ass off and I’d be happy to hike with you,” Derek nodded.
“I thought you were done torturing me,” Kevin groaned. “I can wheel away from you.”
“You brought it up,” Derek laughed.
“We’ll stop torturing you,” Meredith rolled her eyes. “Is it…I mean, it seems nice here. Is it nice?”
“I guess it’s not bad,” Kevin shrugged.
“He likes it but the food apparently sucks,” Derek groaned. “It took me three visits to get that out of him.”
“You should bring him some of your mom’s,” Meredith suggested.
“He should?” Kevin grinned.
“My mom makes the best food,” Derek laughed. “I’ll talk to her about some for you.”
“Her food is amazing,” Meredith nodded. “You’re not on any dietary restrictions anymore, are you? Or…well, with your lungs, they might have you as a choking hazard.”
“There’s a few things like steak but mainly good,” Kevin nodded.
“Carolyn will think of a week’s worth of food for you,” Meredith giggled softly. “She stocks my freezer.”
“And mine half the time,” Derek laughed.
“You’ll love her cooking.”
“I’d appreciate something decent,” Kevin nodded.
“We’ll talk to her about it today. We’re headed there next,” Meredith nodded. “She’ll have fruit tarts for me.”
“Fruit tarts?” Kevin laughed.
“Meredith’s new obsession,” Derek chuckled.
“They’re amazing,” Meredith grinned. “I’ll make sure she brings you some.”
“Well, thanks,” Kevin nodded.
“She’ll probably adopt you,” Derek nodded.
“Adopt me? Thanks, Shep, I have one mom, I don’t need two.”
“Oh she won’t baby you,” Derek laughed.
“No, she won’t,” Meredith agreed. “Carolyn Shepherd is a badass.”
“If she found you sitting around, she’d probably yell at you to get your ass moving because pouting doesn’t do anyone any good,” Derek nodded.
“Well, she wouldn’t say ass…” Meredith frowned.
“But it’d be the gist of it,” Derek smiled.
“Maybe she should come to visit,” she suggested.
“Another visitor?” Kevin frowned.
“Do you have something against visitors?” Derek frowned.
“I don’t want people parading in to look at me in a chair,” Kevin sighed.
“No one is parading in to look at you in a chair,” Derek groaned. “We’re coming to visit you because we like you and we don’t want you doing this alone. Get over yourself.”
“Get over myself?” Kevin laughed slightly.
“You’re not the first guy in a wheelchair. And you won’t be the last. I have a guy coming in next with a complicated spinal tumor. If he survives the surgery, there’s an eighty-five percent chance he’ll be paralyzed.”
“Fuck,” Kevin breathed.
“And, Kevin, there’s a ninety percent chance he’ll die,” Meredith shrugged. “You’re not exactly a rare case.”
“I get that,” Kevin nodded.
“So no one is coming to stare at the guy in a wheelchair,” Derek sighed. “And my mom was a navy nurse.”
“So she’s seen worse,” Meredith nodded.
“Stop turning people away,” Derek advised.
“I…okay,” Kevin sighed.
“Okay?”
“Your mom can adopt me or whatever as long as she’s not going to baby me.”
“Unless you count feeding you as babying you…”
“She can definitely feed me.”
“Then we should be good.”
“Okay.”
“Okay,” Derek grinned and Meredith jumped slightly when she felt his hand suddenly squeeze her knee.
“Hopefully she’s better company than you.”
“Hey! I brought you a pretty girl.”
“That lectured me.”
“But looked pretty doing it.”
“Still lectured.”
“Get over it,” Meredith rolled her eyes. “You’re lucky I didn’t say all the stuff I wanted to say when you were my patient.”
“That could have been fun,” Derek grinned.
“I might have been escorted out by a security.”
“True.”
“So that would be bad.”
“Very.”
“Upsetting the patients might be wrong,” she shrugged.
“It probably is, yeah.”
“Ah, Kevin, here you are.” Meredith turned at the slightly accented voice to see a short man in a lab coat. “I thought we would have to raise the alarm for an escapee.”
“Just visiting with some friends,” Kevin smiled.
“Good,” the doctor nodded. “I’m Dr. Martinez, Kevin’s attending physician.”
“I was hoping to talk to you,” Meredith smiled. “I’m Dr. Meredith Grey, I was his surgeon.”
“I remember from his file,” Dr. Martinez shook her hand.
“I…Derek brought me to say hi and I just have a few concerns from looking at his chart.”
“Of course. If you’re asking as his doctor, I can tell you what I can.”
“I am,” Meredith nodded.
“Then by all means.”
“Okay.”
“Great,” Kevin sighed.
“We can go somewhere else to talk,” Meredith nodded.
“I don’t think it’s necessary,” Dr. Martinez. “Kevin knows his deficiencies and what he needs to do to fix them. I assume you’re talking about his lung function tests?”
“Yes,” Meredith nodded.
“Specifically a concern about pulmonary fibrosis?”
“Exactly,” Meredith breathed.
“I shared your concern,” Dr. Martinez nodded. “I was thinking of scheduling a biopsy but our scans showed that while Kevin has some scarring on the lungs from his bout of ARDS, there is no evidence of extreme scarring.”
“You’re sure? Because his lung capacity is still…”
“Concerning, yes,” the doctor turned to Kevin. “Would you like to tell your surgeon the course of action we discussed?”
“You can since you like it so much,” Kevin sighed.
“Along with steroids and regular oxygen treatments, I told Kevin the best way to get better is to exercise, build the capacity again.”
“We were talking about that,” Derek nodded.
“Kevin has…a stubborn streak and seems to believe the fact he won’t ever be one hundred percent is just as bad as not recovering at all.”
“We’re well aware of that attitude issue,” Meredith sighed.
“I believe if Kevin dedicates himself to his rehab, his lung function will return to about eighty-five percent. And that’s a conservative estimate.”
“That’s good to hear,” Meredith nodded.
“But it’s up to him,” Dr. Martinez nodded.
“We’ve been working on it,” Derek sighed. “If he works his ass off, how soon can I break him out for a day to go fishing?”
“If he really pushes himself…about a month. That’s based on what he’s able to do now.”
“There…Kevin, a month of hard work and we can go fishing,” Derek nodded.
“That’s better than a grocery store,” Meredith smiled.
“Hell of a lot better.”
“We would need to see a lot of improvement though,” Dr. Martinez stated.
“He can handle it,” Derek nodded.
“I can’t wait until people stop talking to me like I’m an idiot,” Kevin groaned.
“I’m sure people talked to you like you were an idiot before your accident too. You were just too cocky to notice it,” Derek shrugged.
“A couple of prosecutors learned why they shouldn’t have,” Kevin shrugged.
“I’m sure it’s more wide spread than that,” Derek laughed.
“Hey, I was a powerful man before this.”
“And an idiot.”
“Be that as it may,” Dr. Martinez laughed, “it is time for your breathing treatment, Kevin.”
“Great,” Kevin sighed.
“What did we just talk about?” Meredith stared at him.
“Hey, that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
“At least try not to bitch about it,” Derek shrugged. “Fishing, Kev.
“Yeah yeah.”
“I would say you’re both welcome to stay until he’s done, but it tends to leave him fatigued,” Dr. Martinez explained as Kevin unlocked his chair.
“That’s okay, we can head out,” Derek nodded.
“We’ll come back another time,” Meredith agreed.
“And my mom will drop off some food soon,” Derek smiled.
“Hear that, Doc?” Kevin grinned. “I’m getting good food.”
“The best food,” Derek nodded.
“That’s one less thing you’ll have to complain about,” Dr. Martinez nodded.
“It is,” Kevin nodded.
“Which is good for everyone involved,” Meredith giggled.
“That it is,” Dr. Martinez smiled.
“We’ll come by later, Kevin,” Meredith nodded. “It was…good seeing you.”
“You too…Meredith.”
“I’ll try to stop by Saturday,” Derek promised as he clapped Kevin on the shoulder.
“Sounds good, Shep.”
“And I’d really rather not hear you were an asshole to anyone.”
“I’ll play nice.”
“Good,” Derek nodded. “And remember, fishing.”
“I’ll remember.”
“Good.”
“We’ll see you later,” Meredith nodded.
“See you guys,” Kevin nodded as he wheeled away.
“That wasn’t that bad, was it?” Derek asked.
“I mean, he’s still whiny but it could have been worse,” she shrugged.
“Not as mean.”
“No, not as mean,” Meredith agreed.
“He’s getting there, I think.”
“Do you think I helped or hurt?”
“Helped,” he nodded.
“Okay, good.”
“You were brilliant.”
“I wasn’t,” she rolled her eyes.
“You were.”
“How?”
“You just were.”
“I wasn’t,” she shook her head. “I was just…he has to get over this. And the good news is, they somehow convinced him to be on antidepressants. So maybe that’s helping.”
“I think it is,” Derek nodded. “He seems to be digging his way through it.”
“Is it bad that I wish I could tell his mom to stop coming?”
“I’ve considered it,” Derek laughed.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“I’m glad it isn’t just me.”
“I think he’d be doing a hell of a lot better if she’d let him be.”
“I think so, too,” she murmured.
“Hopefully my mom counteracts it.”
“You really will tell her to visit?”
“It can’t hurt,” Derek shrugged. “Besides…when I tell her he needs better food, what do you think she’s going to do?”
“She’s going to be up all night cooking,” Meredith giggled.
“She will be.”
“And she’ll be here first thing with at least two weeks worth of meals.”
“Exactly.”
“He’ll love your mom,” she nodded.
“He will.”
“So we’ll tell her to come and she’ll come and make sure he gets back into shape,” Meredith grinned at him.
“She definitely will,” Derek laughed.
“He has no idea what’s coming.”
“He really doesn’t.”
“Good,” she nodded as she stood up from bench.
“Thanks for coming.”
“You’re welcome. I…I think I’d like to come back. Maybe.”
“Really?”
“I mean, I told him I would and it would be nice to just…make sure he’s doing okay.”
“I think he appreciate people caring.”
“Really? I didn’t get that impression.”
“Deep down. Deep deep down,” Derek nodded. “Like Mark being a good person.”
“Oh, of course,” she laughed.
“So deep down you don’t really see it.”
“Obviously,” she nodded. “What do you think he was like before?”
“Cocky,” Derek nodded. “And…non stop.”
“Probably thought he was invincible,” she agreed. “I mean, he climbed mountains. He was training for Everest. You know he thought he was going to live forever.”
“Yeah, he probably did.”
“Yeah,” she sighed as her eyes fell to the wheel tracks in the grass.
“It’s hell.”
“He just wants to go back.”
“Back?”
“To who he was. To what his life was,” she shrugged. “I get that.”
“Oh…I know you do,” he nodded.
“But you can’t go back,” she shook her head. “You can’t go back to before the bad thing happened. You can want to, and you can probably even try a little, but you can’t.”
“No, you can’t. You just have to keep going.”
“Yeah,” Meredith sighed. “I guess we can’t blame him. If I couldn’t walk again, I’d want to go back to walking.”
“That’s a hell of an adjustment,” Derek nodded.
“It is,” she agreed. “I mean, how many times growing up did you wish you could go back to the day before your dad died?”
“A lot,” he nodded.
“Did you ever think about what you would have done differently?”
“Sometimes, yeah.”
“What would you have done?” she asked.
“I honestly don’t know,” Derek shook his head. “I sometimes think I would have ran out…maybe banged around in the back in hopes of scaring them off.”
“Or they would have killed you,” she pointed out.”But not during, Derek. Not…what would have done before? What would you have done if you had known…if you could change…”
“Oh if I could change it…yeah, I would do anything to have him not be there.”
“Hmmm…” she nodded. “Kevin wants to go back. He wants to go back and check his gear or…not climb that day. He wants to go back and just be…him again.”
“Yeah he does,” he breathed. “I know you do.”
“Oh. I…I never would have gone out to the bar. I never would have mentioned it to you,” she sighed.
“I do wish we had all just gone home,” he sighed.
“But we didn’t,” she sighed. “We didn’t and that’s…we can’t go back. We can’t go back to the day of or the day before or the week before. We can’t.”
“No, it happened and now…here we are,” he nodded.
“Here we are,” Meredith echoed softly as she bumped her hip against his.
“And that’s…we’re here.”
“That’s what?”
“It’s…I don’t want to say good, but it’s…there’s a lot I like about here.”
“Oh,” she breathed as she glanced at her new best friend. He was smiling slightly at her, his eyes on her and nodded carefully. “There’s good here.”
“Good.”
“Good,” she echoed softly. “We should go see your mom.”
“We should. Tell her she has another new kid.”
“Hopefully she doesn’t mind that he’s kind of grumpy.”
“She might be the only person that doesn’t mind,” Derek laughed.
“Good,” she giggled.
“She won’t put up with it but she won’t mind it.”
“Well, that’s good,” she nodded. “And I’m practically tasting fruit tarts right now.”
“Of course you are,” he smiled.
“I’ll let you have two.”
“Wow, feeling generous.”
“If you don’t do the weird zoning out thing again, I may even let you have three. Even if you’ll only eat one and a half and I’ll end up eating the rest of them.”
“How do you know I won’t eat three?”
“Because you’re you.”
“And?”
“You’re Derek Shepherd. You eat bran muffins. People who eat bran muffins and get salad from pizza places don’t eat three fruit tarts.”
“Fine,” he rolled his eyes.
“Am I wrong?”
“Maybe.”
“I’m right,” she giggled.
“I’m going to eat three to make a point.”
“And then you’re going to regret it and you’re going to get up at four in the morning and go for a run.”
“I have never gone for a run at four in the morning.”
“Huh huh.”
“I haven’t.”
“After we split that pizza?”
“Not at four.”
“Four-thirty. You had a surgery at five forty-five and wanted to get a run in before.”
“Okay but that’s different.”
“How?”
“I had to work.”
“You had to get a run in because you had pizza the night before!”
“Well…yeah,” he nodded, running a hand along his stomach.
“You’re not going to die from pizza,” she laughed. “And…I know we don’t talk about it but…you have a very nice body that does really nice things.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Because I go for a run after I eat pizza,” he smirked.
“Oh yeah? And is my body that awful?”
“You are apparently one of those people that can eat whatever and still…look like that.”
‘Maybe you are, too.”
“But I will never know.”
“Oh well,” she shrugged. “I’ll eat your fruit tarts.”
“I’ll eat them!”
“Okay, Derek,” Meredith patted his hand as they walked up to his car.
“I will.”
“Sure you will.”
“You’ll see.”
“Okay,” she giggled.
“Get in the car,” he laughed.
“I’m getting in,” she rolled her eyes as he moved to his side of the car and she reached for the door handle. He was smiling now, completely different from the guy who had been kind of out of it for awhile, and it made her beyond happy to see. His friend was getting better, or at least seemed like he finally wanted to, and if that made Derek forget about his worry about his mom and his surgery next week, then she would probably come with him to visit Kevin all the time. It was strange thinking about being friends with someone she had treated but there had been flashes of a guy she had really did like so it would be good. Something about seeing Derek smile an visit with their friends was enough to make her feel better about something, like maybe her life was moving or something.
And I’m a long way from where I was and where I need to be
If there is a light you can’t always see
And there is a world we can’t always be
If there is a kiss I stole from your mouth
And there is a light, don’t let it go out
Katie and Alicia 