Disclaimer: If the show owners getting rid of Patrick doesn’t make it clear we’re not them, I don’t know what does.
Today had been a disaster. Derek hated thinking that, especially when he actually knew what the definition of a disaster was, but it had been absolutely horrible. Every day, his hands got a little better, and he was finding his ribs were hurting less and less, but the one thing he absolutely needed to get better wasn’t. And he didn’t know what to do about it. He had thought that Meredith had the right idea, he really did. It had felt terrifying at the time but he had really thought that Meredith’s calming presence might have been enough to override the panic of the blood but apparently it wasn’t. He had tried, he had tried twice and each time he had found himself unable to breathe. Today, he had stood next to her and watched as she opened up a man’s spine. Her fingers had been incredible to watch, quick but careful, and he had tried to focus on that instead of the blood. But the smell had distracted him and he had panicked again, forcing Lexie to take over. It wasn’t fair, to him or Meredith.
She was back cutting. He knew she wasn’t doing great in a lot of other ways but she could cut and every time she took him into the OR with her, he panicked and forced her to stop and take care of him. She was even doing better with the freezing so it hardly seemed fair that she was losing out because he couldn’t get himself together. He didn’t know what to do. He had no idea how to get back to the guy he had been before the roof had collapsed. And he couldn’t even figure out why he was so damn scared of blood. It was blood, just blood. There had never been a moment in his whole life that blood had scared him. But now it was destroying his life. He didn’t even remember smelling in the bar. There had been a lot of smells, a lot of insanity but he didn’t remember the clear smell of blood and yet somehow that was what was shaking him more than anything. He couldn’t do surgery if he couldn’t stand the smell of blood and if he didn’t have surgery, he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to have. His entire life had been devoted to becoming a surgeon, to becoming the best damn neurosurgeon in the world. He had put his private life on hold, he had put everything on hold. And five weeks ago, he had been the best. No one had topped him. And now he might have nothing.
He wanted to believe that this would get better, he desperately wanted to believe that but without know what this was, he wasn’t sure how he could ever do anything to get past it. Clearly going into surgery with Meredith wasn’t the answer and he didn’t want to keep holding her back. If he couldn’t cut, she needed to be able to shine. That was his job as her mentor, anyway. He was supposed to make sure she had the chance to shine. And if this was all going to topple down around him, then he could at least make sure she was ready to give up on this and be able to move forward. She wouldn’t like it, he knew that much but he needed to see her move forward and she couldn’t do that with the state he was in. He also knew he should probably consider talking to someone about this because there was no reason he should be living like this but that idea seemed even less appealing than convincing Meredith to give up.
He sighed and ran his hand over his face before getting up from his desk and reaching for his coat and briefcase. He would go see her and maybe talk to her, try to convince her that a third time wouldn’t be good, and then he’d go home and have some Scotch. Or prepare for another night with Netflix. Sleep was starting to come a little easier, he could admit that much. It wasn’t always simple and it took a bit to pass out but he at least managed to get a few hours a night but it always involved a lot of mindless tv watching. It wasn’t exactly the perfect plan but at least it felt like a step. So he could prepare for another night of mindless TV, a frozen meal, and some alcohol. Somehow, if he did that, he could maybe try to come up with a way to work past his fear of blood thing. Kath would tell him to see someone, but he wasn’t ready for that. Eventually he’d get to that point maybe, he’d have to before he lost his career but for now this would do. He could mentor Meredith from outside the OR and run his department but the rest of it would just have to wait. No one was pushing him yet, no one was questioning him so he had time before he started worrying.
He had some time, still, and he would try to figure it out. But he wasn’t going to affect Meredith’s career like this. She needed to be in the OR, and soon she’d be back on traumas. She had a her own problems, she was still not doing great, but she was an incredible surgeon. She deserved to be the best one day. He just had to figure out a way to make her see it that way but he was going to handle it now. He was her boss after all so it wasn’t like she could make him do anything he wasn’t willing to do. He just needed to talk to her and admittedly it would probably make for a good end of what was a hard day. He reached to knock on her partially open office door but paused when he heard her voice. She wasn’t on the phone, it was too quiet, and far too…rambly. He was pretty sure she was rambling. “No, that one is too old…way too old…but this one…I mean, their last inspection was…but…”
“Mer?”
“Built in ninety-seven, which is pretty new,” she mumbled to herself as she scribbled in a notebook before glancing at her computer. “Coopers was built in the seventies so ninety-seven is really new. But I can’t even…god, what if it’s paying the inspector under the table?”
“Meredith.”
“What?” she snapped as she looked up and then her shoulders relaxed. “Derek.”
“Just me,” he nodded.
“Sorry.”
“Why?” Derek frowned, walking into her office.
“Snapping,” she sighed heavily.
“Snapping?”
“What I just did,” Meredith nodded as she turned back to her computer.
“What did you do to snap?” Derek asked.
“I just snapped at you. It’s…this…” she waved her hand towards her computer screen.
“What is this? Can I help?”
“You…you’re going to laugh.”
“I swear I won’t.”
“I…I want a drink.”
“Why would I laugh about a drink? I was planning on having one when I got home.”
“I don’t…I don’t want to go home,” she chewed on her lip.
“Oh.”
“I know it’s stupid. I know that. I’m aware that I could just go home and drink but…she’s there. She’s there and I just…”
“Don’t want to be there,” he nodded.
“Yeah,” she breathed. “Come here.”
“Okay,” he nodded.
“I googled bars close by,” Meredith explained softly. “And I was looking at them but then I thought…I should look up to see when they last had a building inspection.”
“Oh…I…that makes sense.”
“I mean, it snowed today and…” she shook her head. “I’m not looking at anything older than mid-nineties.”
“For roof safety.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s…good, good idea,” he nodded.
“Yeah?”
“I think so.”
“But then I thought..what if they’re paying the inspectors off?”
“Do they do that in real life?”
“If they’re Mafia, they do.”
“What kind of bars are you looking at that you’re worried about mafia?”
“You never know!” She gasped.
“Okay, okay,” he nodded. “What have you found?”
“I have it narrowed down to five bars,” she pushed her notebook towards him. “Sorted by proximity, date building was last inspected, and date built.”
“Wow…organized,” he nodded.
“Please don’t make fun of me.”
“I’m not, this is well organized,” he shrugged.
“Okay,” she breathed. “I…anyway, here’s the list and I have pictures and…”
“Pictures are good.”
“Is this crazy?” she looked up at him.
“Probably,” he smiled gently.
“Oh.”
“But…I don’t know how else to pick another bar,” Derek breathed. “It needs to be safe.”
“It does. I didn’t…if I had known Coopers…”
“I know.”
“So…” she took a deep breath, “I think my best choice is Flannery’s Pub a couple blocks over.”
“Let’s see it,” he breathed.
“It was built in ninety-five, which I thought maybe was too old but they completely redid the whole place two years ago, including a new roof,” Meredith nodded. “Their last inspection was perfect.”
“That’s…that’s a really good sign, very new,” Derek nodded.
“Exactly,” she breathed. “And the last inspection was a month ago. So…after…”
“After the…incident.”
“Yeah,” she breathed softly.
“Brian said they were checking a lot of other bars.”
“Fifteen people…” she murmured, her hand tightening on the mouse.
“I know,” Derek murmured, pressing a hand to her shoulder.
“So they…if they investigated roofs after…they did a good job. They couldn’t pay off the inspectors, right?”
“I’m sure not,” Derek nodded.
“But we…” she chewed on her lip as she took a deep breath. “Crap.”
“What?”
“I’m trying to do this like a doctor. Like…like I’m looking at a chart and I need a diagnose.”
“Okay.”
“And I just…” she shook her head. “I think this is the best option.”
“Let me look at the others,” Derek murmured.
“Okay,” she breathed as she slid the notebook to him.
“You did your research.”
“I’ve been researching for two and a half hours.”
“Wow.”
“I know. I know it’s crazy,” she breathed.
“No, it’s impressive, you’re thorough.”
“I should be researching my trial like this.”
“You will.”
“Yeah,” she breathed.
“You definitely do impressive research,” he breathed. “And…I agree.”
“Flannery’s?”
“It looks good.”
“Yeah…yeah.”
“Really good.”
“So I should go to Flannery’s tonight.”
“How about I come along?”
“What?” she turned to look at him.
“I can come along.”
“You…no, Derek,” she shook her head. “What if it happens again and this time…”
“I’m not letting you go alone.”
“I don’t want to go alone but if you…Derek…”
“If I let you go and it happened again…I couldn’t handle that.”
“I…okay,” she breathed. “But we don’t separate. Ever.”
“We don’t. If one of us has to go to the bathroom, the other walks to the back too.”
“Yeah,” she whimpered. “Yeah. We can’t…”
“We stick together.”
“We do,” she whispered. “Completely.”
“We will.”
“Okay,” she nodded.
“Okay,” he echoed.
“Now?”
“We can go now.”
“Okay,” she nodded as she stood.
“A night out will be good.”
“Better than sitting at home, drinking alone, right?” she breathed as she slipped her jacket on.
“Probably.”
“So we can do this.”
“It will be great,” he smiled.
“We will.”
“At Flannery’s.”
“Exactly,” he nodded.
“Okay,” she whispered.
“Let’s get out of here,” he nodded.
“You’re okay, right?” she asked as he opened her office door for her. “Today…”
“Oh I…I’m doing better now,” he breathed.
“You’re sure?”
“I am.”
“Good.”
“I wanted a drink, so…this is good.”
“Until a roof falls on us.”
“It won’t.”
“How do you know?”
“I’m…trusting.”
“You’re right,” she sighed. “I mean…that kind of thing doesn’t just happen again. Most people only have one or two really bad things happen to them in their lifetimes, not a million things.”
“That’s true and we should both be done, right?”
“I think we’re done.”
“Law of averages has to be to our advantage.”
“I agree,” she nodded as they walked outside, both of them pausing at the snow that was lightly falling.
“It’s just…a little snow.”
“Nothing to worry about.”
“Okay…” she sucked in a breath. “Walk there? It’s just a couple of blocks.”
“That sounds good,” he nodded.
“Okay,” Meredith took a deep breath and then let it out slowly.
“It’s going to be fine.”
“How was your day after…”
“Oh,” she looked up at him. “Good. It was…I feel like the chief is only giving me easy cases.”
“I think he’s trying to ease you into it.”
“Does he think I’ll break if I lose a patient?”
“He honestly hasn’t talked to me about it,” Derek sighed.
“Oh.”
“I can talk to him if you want.”
“No…no, it’s fine,” she shook her head. “Especially since easy is good for you.”
“Mer…”
“What?” she shrugged. “I’ll think of a good one, Derek. I swear we’ll figure this out.”
“I don’t know…” he breathed.
“We will,” she said firmly. “You can’t give up, Derek.”
“It’s not that I’m giving up,” he breathed. “I just…can’t keep holding you back.”
“You’re not.”
“I am, Mer. Every time I freak out, you have to stop.”
“I don’t have to, I choose to.”
“It’s not fair.”
“You don’t get to do that,” she shook her head. “You don’t get to decided what’s fair and what isn’t for me.”
“But it’s…”
“I said you don’t get to do that,” Meredith snapped. “I choose how I spend my time in the OR. And if I want to help you, then that’s what I’m going to do. And you should just be…grateful. You should be grateful.”
“I am,” he said quickly.
“Good. Because I’m going to get you back in an OR, Derek. And you’re not going to be afraid of blood.”
“But it’s not working,” he whispered.
“It’s only been twice.”
“I…I know.”
“So we’ll figure this out,” she nodded firmly. “We will. And you don’t get to try to talk me out of it.”
“I just don’t want to hold you back, I want you to be amazing.”
“But he could give you harder if I wasn’t butting in.”
“Derek!” she stopped and turned to him, her hair whipping around her face in the wind. “We’re not stopping. Is that clear?”
“Oh…okay.”
“And you’re never going to suggest it to me ever again. Not until you’re able to be in the OR and not freak out,” she nodded firmly. “I don’t know why you’re freaking out, and your mom thinks maybe it’s your dad’s death, but you can’t let this be the end of you. I won’t let it.”
“You…you talked to my mom about it?” he frowned.
“Oh…I…no?”
“You did.”
“Maybe. By accident.”
“Oh she’s sneaky like that,” Derek sighed.
“She is,” Meredith nodded, chewing on her lip. “Are you mad?”
“I should be.”
“Derek, I really didn’t mean to. I was having a bad day and she was there and…she has magical mom powers.”
“Exactly why I’m not mad,” he nodded. “She gets you talking and suddenly you’re saying things you never meant to say.”
“Exactly,” Meredith sighed. “And you…you can’t get mad at her either.”
“I can’t?”
“No, you can’t,” Meredith turned and started walking again. “You can’t get mad at momish people.”
“Yes. Like your mom. She’s very…Momish.”
“Momish?”
“Why do you sound confused?”
“Because momish isn’t a word.”
“It is. It’s an adjective,” she nodded. “You know, for moms who sew Halloween costumes and bake cookies every day and go to recitals and games and all that.”
“Oh…that was my mom,” he nodded.
“I guess that’s…it was my mom,” he shrugged. “Trust me, when you’re a teenager, it’s annoying.”
“I don’t know…I used to wish I had a momish mom.”
“I don’t imagine Ellis Grey was momish,” he breathed.
“Not really, no.”
“Well I think mine’s all but adopted you.”
“She has,” Meredith smiled softly. “Which is why you can’t be mean to her. Or yell at her. Or…do other not good son things.”
“Did she tell you I was mean to her?” Derek frowned.
“No. She just said sometimes you yell at her. Even when she’s feeding you. Which really isn’t nice.”
“She yells right back, she’s not some old abused woman,” Derek laughed.
“Well, if she yells back at you when you’re being a bad son…”
“Did she tell you I’m a bad son?”
“Of course not.”
“So why would you think I was a bad son?”
“Okay, now I feel like you’re mad at me.”
“I’m not,” he shook his head.
“It seems like it,” she sighed as she stopped in front of a small pub. “This is it.”
“This is it,” he echoed
“We…it looks okay.”
“It does,” he nodded. “Sturdy.”
“Very.”
“Safe.”
“Yeah,” she murmured.
“So…let’s do this,” Derek nodded, taking a deep breath as he moved to open the door.
“We don’t separate,” she said firmly as she walked in.
“We don’t,” he nodded, following behind her.
“No matter what.”
“No separating.”
“Okay,” she breathed just as he suddenly felt her hand grab his and squeeze.
“It’s okay,” he murmured. “I’m here.”
“Me too.”
“We’re okay.”
“We are,” she whispered as her hand dropped and she started towards the bar, giving Derek a second to look around the crowded pub. It was a bit nicer than the one he had gotten used to, not exactly a high end place, just a relaxed pub but a step up and it looked popular. Which was fine although he had been hoping it would be empty as it sounded exactly like it had that night and he could feel his chest tighten at the thought. He couldn’t panic now, he was doing this for Meredith.
She had to be the most stubborn woman he had ever met, but if she was going to help him get back into the OR than he could help her with this. The roof wouldn’t collapse again. It was just an impossibility that more bad could happen. They were going to be okay. They’d sit and have a drink and they’d go home and it would be good. It wasn’t like they could hide in their apartments forever and give up ever going anyway so this was a really good thing to be doing. Even if he wasn’t sure going out for drinks alone with Meredith was the best idea.
“Derek?” She turned to him.
“I’m here.”
“Okay,” she breathed as she took off her jacket.
“This is nice.”
“It is,” she agreed.
“Busy.”
“Y-yeah,” her voice faltered.
“It’s safe,” he murmured, reaching to squeeze her hand. “No more bad is going to happen.”
“I’m pretty sure all of my shoes have dropped.”
“So no more shoes,” he smiled slightly.
“No more shoes,” she agreed before turning towards the bartender. “Margarita please.”
“Scotch,” Derek nodded.
“Coming right up,” the bartender nodded.
“Thanks.”
“Hmmmm…” Meredith breathed as she looked around the bar.
“It’s going to be okay,” Derek nodded.
“I know.”
“It’s…and I’m really not a bad son,” he nodded firmly.
“Oh,” she smiled slightly. “Okay.”
“If my mom said differently, she’s full of it,” he laughed slightly.
“She didn’t, Derek,” she shook her head.
“Good.”
“She was worried about you.”
“She does that,” he sighed.
“But she never said you were a bad son.”
“Good to know,” he nodded. “I’m sure I’ll hear about it soon.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’ve been avoiding her so I know it’d only be so long before she would have cornered me anyway.”
“Why are you avoiding her?”
“I’m just…right now, I don’t feel like I may ever be a surgeon again.”
“You will be.”
“Hmmmm…” he nodded. “I don’t know. And I can admit that to you, I have no problem saying it to you but to my mom…”
“You don’t have to say it to her because it’s not true.”
“It’s still how I feel,” he breathed.
“I know ” she murmured.
“I don’t know how to tell her that.”
“So don’t.”
“Just like you didn’t tell her?” he raised an eyebrow.
“I…I was having a really bad day and wasn’t expecting her magic powers.”
“She’s like that,” Derek nodded. “One time in high school Mark smoked pot…just one puff at a party. He made me swear to never tell Mom. She got it out of him before the end of breakfast the next day.”
“Seriously? How? ”
“Just talking. She wasn’t even suspicious, just…asked about the party like she always did.”
“And Mark spilled?”
“He did. We were talking about who was there and what happened and he just…said it. Not even as some guilt thing, he just…randomly said he tried pot.”
“What did she say?” Meredith giggled.
“She told him she was disappointed in him.”
“That’s it?”
“It was how she said it,” Derek laughed. “And then she told him she loved him and he was too smart to kill his brain with that stuff. Repeated she was disappointed and got up and walked away.”
“And I’m guessing he never smoked pot again?”
“Never.”
“Wow,” Meredith nodded. “She has super powers.”
“Basically. Hence avoiding her.”
“I think she’ll have questions about other things,” Meredith shrugged .
“Did you tell her more about my life?”
“No…but if she hasn’t seen you, she might have questions about the beard.”
“Oh,” he nodded, rubbing his hand over his jaw.
“I mean…I have questions about it,” she shrugged.
“You do?” he laughed.
“Did you just decide to stop shaving over the last week?”
“I…it wasn’t exactly a decision.”
“It wasn’t? ”
“I just…haven’t shaved.”
“Why?” She asked as she reached for her drink.
“I really don’t know, I guess…I just have had other things on my mind,” he sighed.
“Oh,” she nodded.
“I just didn’t feel like shaving, I guess.”
“Okay,” she shrugged.
“It looks good, doesn’t it?”
“It does,” she agreed. “Really good, actually.”
“Really good?” he grinned.
“I…yeah,” she nodded, ducking her head down.
“Yeah.”
“It…it’s a good look.”
“Thanks.”
“Yeah,” she smiled slightly.
“I’ll just tell my mom that.”
“Good idea.”
“I thought so.”
“Tell her I like it and she won’t worry about it.”
“I’ll let her know.”
“Good.”
“She’ll like that.”
“She will?”
“Yeah.”
“She’ll probably ask me about it later.”
“Probably yeah,” Derek nodded. “She likes you.”
“I know she does.”
“Good.”
“It’s still weird but…I know.”
“I’d say she’s picky but she likes Mark too.”
“She basically raised Mark,” Meredith giggled.
“She’s not perfect.”
“That’s a mean thing to say about a momish person.”
“She raises Mark,” he laughed, sipping at his scotch.
“Maybe he was a lost cause.”
“That is possible.”
“Though…I like Mark,” she shrugged.
“You do?”
“Yeah. I think he’s…I think he plays a part really well.”
“So you’ve gotten to see real Mark.”
“I…after…after what happened, he was there. A lot. And he was nice and kind of sweet and gentle.”
“He’s a big softie when it comes down to it,” Derek nodded. “Have you ever talked to him about his specialty?”
“No.”
“He likes to act like he just likes playing with boobs…but he actually chose plastics for this whole thing about making people feel good about themselves.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I’m not!”
“No wonder Lexie loves him.”
“He really is a good guy under all those…horrible layers.”
“Okay,” she giggled, her eyes darting up to the roof and then back to her drink.
“It’s okay,” he breathed.
“I know…I know.”
“It’s…safer here.”
“Hmmm hmmm…” she swallowed some of her margarita. “Talk…take my mind off of it.”
“Okay,” he nodded, taking a deep breath.
“Okay…” she looked up at him.
“Trying to take my own mind off it,” he sighed.
“I…tell me a story,” she said quickly.
“A story?”
“About you and Mark or…something.”
“Okay…he…he once got his ass kicked in a bar. And it wasn’t even his fault.”
“What?”
“It was college. He had dragged me out with some friends of his…which I was never a big fan of. We had been there…maybe half an hour when this girl came over and started hitting on Mark.”
“And Mark didn’t want a hot girl hitting on him?” she raised an eyebrow.
“Ah, but she wasn’t.”
“She wasn’t hot?”
“She was…I mean I’m sure she could have been pretty. But big hair, way too much make up…clothes that…didn’t flatter her.”
“Okay…”
“So…she wasn’t Mark’s type. But she was her very large boyfriend’s type.
“But he wasn’t even returning the attention? I mean…he wasn’t hitting on her?”
“No….he had his eye on some blonde so he was trying to ignore her.”
“So what happened?”
“The guy came up, accused Mark of hitting on his girlfriend and before anyone could correct him…he dragged him out of the bar.”
“And kicked his ass?”
“Completely.”
“Poor Mark,” Meredith giggled.
“It was horrible.”
“Was he hurt?”
“Bloody nose and some bruises but that’s it.”
“And you laughed the whole time, didn’t you?
“I may have.”
“You did,” she giggled.
“It was amusing.”
“I’m guessing Mark didn’t think so.”
“No he wasn’t happy at all.”
“Hmmm…” she smiled as she played with her straw.
“I mean…its not like he ever cared if a girl had a boyfriend.”
“That’s true.”
“And the one time he wasn’t even to blame…”
“He kind of deserved it maybe,” she nodded.
“That’s what I said.”
“Well…at least he’s gotten better now.”
“Lexie was a game changer.”
“I know,” she nodded.
“I’m happy for him.”
“I know. I just…I don’t think anyone thought he’d get someone like…Lexie.”
“Really?”
“You’ve met my sister, right?”
“True.”
“Happy face poster people don’t fall in love with people like Mark.”
“Have you had her talk to someone?” Derek laughed.
“Talk to someone?”
“About possible mental problems.”
“Oh,” Meredith breathed. “I…I mean, I don’t know her like that.”
“That’s true,” Derek nodded.
“She’s just…”
“Complicated?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s okay.”
“I just…” Meredith shrugged.
“A half sister would be,” he nodded.
“She’s not just…it wasn’t just…” Meredith shook her head. “Another time. Sooner or later you’re going to think I’m too dark and twisty. That I’m a lost cause.”
“I would never think that.”
“Hmmm…” she breathed, playing with her straw. “McDreamy.”
“What?”
“Before…I mean, when you first came…we…Cristina and I nickname everyone,” she said softly, her hand tightening around her glass as she said her friend’s name. “Everyone. And she was trying to come up with a nickname for you.”
“And she came up with McDreamy?”
“Well…that was the one we agreed on,” she looked up at him. “Dr. Small Dick wasn’t…well…I mean, it wasn’t…true. And I struck down Dr. Five Orgasms and Dr. Douchebag and Dr. Steals Jobs.”
“Ouch,” he winced. “I would have accepted Dr. Five Orgasms.”
“But we don’t talk about that,” Meredith pointed out. “The day she…the day of the…she said McDreamy. I think it’s meant more ironically than anything else but…I mean, it fits. It fits because Mark is Dr. McSteamy. So you’re…I mean, you’re Dr. McDreamy.”
“Mark is McSteamy?”
“Yeah.”
“Is that better or worse than dreamy?”
“Steamy is just about his looks,” Meredith shrugged. “Dreamy…I think…I mean, she meant it ironically. I know she does…did. But you’re more…it’s you. All of you.”
“It is?”
“She wanted me to still be mad at you,” she breathed. “And I said I wasn’t. That I couldn’t be and…McDreamy. That was going to be your nickname.”
“Because I was impossible to hate?”
“I guess. And I didn’t…you’re not a bad guy. You’re not…she said it. She came up with the name.”
“Interesting.”
“Sorry. I don’t know what made me think of it.”
“All my dreaminess?”
“Oh…that’s okay,” he nodded. “I’m happy you shared it with me.”
“You are?”
“Hmmm…” he nodded.
“Why?”
“It’s good to talk about her.”
“Oh,” Meredith nodded carefully. “Your mom talks to your dad. Not just about him…she talks to him.”
“She does,” he nodded.
“I wasn’t sure if you knew.”
“We know.”
“Okay,” Meredith murmured.
“Kath swears its normal.”
“Your mom does, too,” she took a deep breath.
“It is,” he nodded, reaching to squeeze her hand.
“I didn’t want to do this. I’m sorry.”
“Do what?”
“Turn this sad and depressing,” she sighed heavily. “I wanted…I just wanted to be…normal again. Just go get a drink at a bar and be normal.”
“I think all things considered, this went really well.”
“Really? Because I keep thinking this is exactly what the bar sounded like that night,” Meredith whispered. “Loud and full of people laughing. And the music. And…this was it. When I went back to the bathroom…”
“Oh…that…that I’ll give you,” he breathed.
“And I know it’s in my head but I keep thinking…” she chewed on her lip as she glanced at the ceiling.”
“I hear it too.”
“Oh.”
“I’m trying to ignore it.”
“Is it working?”
“Not really,” he sighed.
“So much for normal.”
“I still think this gets to be called a good first step.”
“Okay,” she nodded. “Does it have to continue? Or can it be a short good first step?”
“It can definitely be short,” he nodded.
“Good,” she nodded as she reached into her purse for her wallet. “We’ll try again another time.”
“We will,” he smiled.
“It’s like getting you back into surgery,” she explained as she laid a couple of bills on the bar and then stood.
“I guess it is.”
“Hmmmm…” she breathed as she walked out of the bar in front of him.
Derek moved quickly behind her, admittedly relieved to be getting out of the crowded bar. It had gone okay, better than he has expected it to but he certainly hadn’t felt at all comfortable amongst all those people. It had been too much right now, too identical to the night from a month and a half ago. Though the one difference had been Meredith. She had helped tonight, even if she felt like she was a mess. But just her presence was enough to make him forget about the huge group of laughing college kids, just like so many of the kids who had died in the roof collapse.
Katie and Alicia 